Today at church was what I like to call "share & tell". Share what a horrible person you were before Jesus rescued you and tell how wonderful life is status-post surrendering your heart to Jesus. And on top for share & tell hours there were seven baptisms in this moderately sized church I now attend. Pretty good odds God might be moving in the people there.
I know this is "Normal" practice throughout many churches in America, BUT it makes HORRENDOUSLY uncomfortable & awkward!
I think my church up bringing is part of why it makes me feel ridiculously uncomfortable... I'm not going to get into pointing fingers at my old church. But I will say it's very "traditional" and honestly pretty dang fake.
I've never been baptized. Yes, I know I should. But it always feels so awkward & staged. How can you PUBLICLY proclaim your acceptance of Jesus's work on the cross for your sins that are worthy of death & your plan to forever follow Jesus when all the witnesses are already churched people? I've always hoped to be baptized surrounded my un-churched people. People that desperately NEED Jesus but don't know him as anything but a story, building or organization. Not on a personal intimate sweet level like I do.
It's been a little over two years since my last post. Two years of God triaging & treating the natural disaster that WAS my heart after leaving my church now FOUR years ago.
I feel like in nursing school I hardly had time to breathe, so I only acknowledged the top layer of hurt, frustration & anger. These past two years God's been able to use as a rescue/recovery mission.
Please keep in mind, as much as one may argue that my relationship breakdown with my church family from my growing up years was a reflection of a relationship breakdown between me & God. That's not true. My anger & un-forgiveness was only aimed at the leadership of my old broken church.
I think that is the only thing, aside from my family that I accredit for holding me together so well is my relationship with my God. Even when I was running away from his people he kept pursuing me. Comforting me. Calling me back. Asking me to willingly place myself in His hands.
dis·in·gen·u·ous
adjective \ˌdis-in-ˈjen-yə-wəs, -yü-əs-\
God has been so sweetly working me through forgiveness and acceptance to MOVE ON!! I'm not going to lie & say I'm all better. I'm still broken. God's still working on my heart DAILY. But I feel I'm in a place where God is saying I love you, I'm providing for you, TRUST ME!
: not truly honest or sincere : giving the false appearance of being honest or sincere.
I've spent four years in hiding. Four years wondering if God means me for ministry. Four years of blending into the congregation because I'm honestly scared of the people around me. Not that they won't accept me. But that they will love me only to figuratively stone me at a later date.
God has been so sweetly working me through forgiveness and acceptance to MOVE ON!! I'm not going to lie & say I'm all better. I'm still broken. God's still working on my heart DAILY. But I feel I'm in a place where God is saying I love you, I'm providing for you, TRUST ME! 