Damaged Church Goods: Processing the Aftermath

It's been way too long since I've blogged. Yeah, I keep a journal of my personal thoughts and feelings that I don't want to put on blast. But not so many years ago blogging was a very cathartic outlet for me.

... Whatever happened to that?

My blog hasn't seen a whole lot of action since 2009!?! whoa.. But why?

..Was it that I got busy with life? .. Busy with school? ..Or may it was that I couldn't think of anything to write, that I felt was blog worthy?

For the past 10 weeks I've been on the run, trying to keep up with my 4th semester of nursing school!

In those 10 weeks I probably read over 700 pages of my med-surg textbook, (minus spring break) I spent an average of 23 hours a week with my study group, spent 5 hours in class each week and was at clinicals for at least 14 hours each week.

But last Friday when I passed my final exam all that ended. I still have preceptor-ship and to prep for all that entails, learning the in's and out's of the emergency department. But I no longer have 100 pages of reading each week, I don't have a study session to run off to, and I don't have a lecture to sit through.

For me, when the craziness in life calms a little I can begin to refocus and see what's sorta become left-of-center.

I know Christian's are nothing but sinners who have accepted Christ as their Savior. But it AMAZES me the amount of brokenness, judgement and lack of grace and love in the church (The body of Christ).

It's hard to write this blog post without becoming at least mildly defensive.. I type a few words, then delete a few. Sorta like in life. You take a couple big leaps forward and then a step back.

I've had this nagging feelings for awhile that I'm not exactly where God wants me. It's not that I don't have an active prayer life or a good relationship with God. But I feel stagnate. Satan has paralyzed me right where I stand.

Growing up, my family was part of a small church. The pastor was the dictatorial head. And the deacons were more or less the pastors servants, rather than the servants of the church body. My family was one of a handful of young families in the church. Slowly those other young families either moved away or changed churches for one reason or another. Three of us kids grew up together. But at 18 yrs old I was the only one of the three still standing in that church.

Between my upbringing by Christ devoted parents and my own relationship with God. I was a pretty solid Christian kid.

Not to say I didn't have my issues.
I did...
Plenty of them!
Mostly having to do with having my Big Girl Panties On and thinking I knew EVERYTHING!

But two years ago I was seriously wounded by leaders in the church(s) that I naively admired and sought validation from. Leaders who instead of approaching 20 yr old me with love and compassion, decided that God must of choose them to be His new right hand. Out of this group of leaders, one representative was selected (or self selected) to verbally barrage me until I felt about 2 inches tall.

That's the day my walls started to build...

I've spent the last two years in nursing school. But also I've spent the last two years wrestling with forgiveness and healing. I'll think for a while that I'm okay. That I've given the whole ordeal over to God. And then something else regurgitates on me.

I think part of my issue is, how I perceive people or things they say. I've allowed it to get to me. I've been around the block at least once in dealing with church politic B.S. and the back scene manipulators in church. But because of that I don't trust anyone. I just lay in wait.

I wait to see who wants to be in leadership or who is in leadership. Because based on my past experiences those people will stop at almost nothing to make themselves look superior. They will destroy and push aside anyone they can to be able to declare their superiority. But superiority in the Christian realm is different than the secular. Superiority and Spirituality are almost synonymous in a lot of the Christian circles I've seen. To be a spiritual giant among mere Christians you have to:

- Memorize more scripture then the rest

- Have at least the fundamentals of Greek and Hebrew down

- Develop humility (Or at least fake it well)

- Serve only in the Lime light where one can be acknowledged and rewarded for the service.

- Pushy about wanting to "teach" the congregation. Not a bible study but the WHOLE congregation.

These are the qualities of the Christians that make me cringe. I know there is more that I could list. It's just that I'm pulling a mind blank currently.

When I see these people I turn the other way. They make my past regurgitate on me and I become paralyzed again.

With the body of Christ filled with people like this. And filled with people who are quick to judge but slow to offer an ear to listen and compassion. Why would anyone want to attend church?

I know in the Bible it's said that we are to not neglect assembling ourselves together for fellowship with like minded believers. And I know many awesome like minded believers scattered throughout different churches, throughout the country. But those hand full of people that put me on edge spoil the experience. And my past regurgitates.

This is what I've been wrestling with recently. I know I should be in a church. I'm not sure what church... I'm not sure where... I'm not sure how exactly God is going to break down these walls Satan has entrapped me in... I'm not sure exactly how to forgive and let go of past hurts, so that I can move on... It's all a learning curve.

" Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight"

Proverbs 3:5-6

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